How To Get Rid of Bad Meetings

One of the chief complaints I hear from nonprofit leaders is this: 

Way. Too. Many. Meetings.

More specifically, too many unfocused, uninspired, and ineffective meetings that drain your team’s time and energy to do the real work.

Thankfully, there’s a simple solution to this pervasive problem.  

It’s called the Fabulous POP Model (endless thanks to its creators Leslie Sholl Jaffe & Randy Alford), and it’s guaranteed to eliminate (OK, significantly reduce) bad meetings in your organization.

You can follow this 3-step formula for any meeting - and I recommend that over time you do just that.

For today, let’s start with one meeting that’s not working for you and run it through the POP model, so you can get a feel for how it works.  

Maybe…

• That all-staff meeting that’s supposed to be engaging but inevitably turns into a round-robin update?

• Those team meetings where you try to keep things strategic but always end up in the weeds?

• Or perhaps, the 1-on-1s with your manager or direct reports that you know could be working harder for you?

You choose -- what’s one meeting that you’d love to improve?

Step 1: Purpose

We begin by clearly defining the “why” of the meeting - and everything else (the meeting goals, agenda, format, etc.) trickles down from there.  

When we zoom past this first, critical step, we can easily end-up with a meeting that tries to be everything to everyone, spends people’s time in the wrong ways, and possibly could have been replaced with an email.

So start here by asking yourself:

• What’s the important and meaningful reason for holding this meeting?

• Why is it worth people’s valuable time?

• What needs of your organization and/or team does this meeting address?

Once you’ve noodled on these questions, you want to land on a sharp and specific meeting purpose statement.

Here are some examples of solid meeting purpose statements:

• The purpose of our Executive Team meeting is to discuss, debate, and make decisions about strategic opportunities and challenges facing our organization

• The purpose of our weekly team meeting is to align on our priorities for the week ahead and hold space for relationship and community building

• The purpose of our 1-on-1s is to delegate and prioritize new work, problem solve any current challenges, and give and receive feedback on how things have been going

You’ll notice that none of these meetings have a purpose of information sharing, because that’s not the best and highest use of meeting time.  If your meeting has fallen into an update-style format - ask yourself - what are asynchronous ways you can give each other information, so you can use your meeting time on things that benefit most from the group’s interaction -- whether that be debate, problem solving, consensus building, or human connection.

Step 2: Outcomes

Once you have a clear and compelling purpose statement for your meeting, you can drill another level down and define the specific outcomes you hope your meeting will achieve.

Ask yourself (and each other): what are the specific results we want to accomplish at this meeting?  What do we want to walk away with?

Most meetings tend to both task and relationship, so consider outcomes that you want to advance for the sake of the work and the relational field of the group that’s gathering.

You’ll want to end-up with a short list of meeting outcomes.

Here are some examples:

• Specific and written next steps for the project, with responsibility and deadline for each

• A clearer understanding of the challenges we’re facing - and solutions to these challenges that are either developed at the meeting or circled back to in another way

• A deepening sense of trust and partnership on the team

Step 3: Process

OK, now that you're clear on the why and the what of the meeting, you can turn to the how.  How will you structure and facilitate your meeting to achieve your desired purpose and outcomes?

Some important questions to answer as it relates to your meeting process:

• How long and how often should you meet to achieve our desired purpose and outcomes?

• Is a meeting required?  Or would your purpose and outcomes be better achieved through a different asynchronous process?

• What agenda will help you achieve your desired purpose and outcomes?

• What kind of facilitation is needed to be successful?

• Who needs to be there (and who doesn’t)?

• (When relevant) - Will your purpose be best met through a virtual or in-person meeting? 

And there you have it!  In 3 simple steps, you now have a Fabulous POP for your meeting!    

And while you started this process independently here, I highly encourage you to work with the other meeting participants to discuss and align on your meeting's POP.  You’ll not only build a stronger purpose statement, you’ll also cultivate a more full-hearted commitment to fulfilling it at future meetings.

Reference:  The fabulous POP model

When leading feels lonely…

When I was in college, I hated group projects.  

I was that girl who volunteered (ahem, insisted) “I’ll just do it on my own,” because I’d rather put in a few extra hours at the library than waste my time with collaboration.

And while this approach earned me straight A’s in school (because as a surprise to nobody, I was also a perfectionist), when I became a nonprofit leader all it earned me was burnout, blindspots, and self-generated strategies that nobody bought into.

Ouch.

Over the past 15 years, I’ve been on a journey of unlearning hyper-individualism and cultivating my capacity to lead change in deep partnership with others.

Because when we choose partnership over going it alone, we create outcomes that are wiser and more equitable and feel connected and supported in the process.

But culture is strong, and this work takes daily practice.  If I’m not careful, I can easily get hooked back into the belief that I can more easily and quickly move forward on my own.  

When I notice this happening, I turn to this list of questions, find one that resonates, and use my reflection to move in the direction of co-leadership, community, and connection.

Print it out and put it on your wall.   Add your favorite to a post-it note.  Whatever it takes to stay disciplined, because this work takes daily practice.  

Let’s be in it together.

10 Questions for Interconnected Leadership

1. Who’s done this (or something similar) before and could share their learnings and experience with me?

2. How can I invite others to hold this (vision, project, responsibility, etc.) with me?

3. How can I share power and leadership with others?

4. Who might have a wildly different perspective that’s important for me to hear?

5. What diverse voices and life experiences do I need to tap into to ensure equitable outcomes for this project?

6. What people and spaces can I connect with to gain a sense of community and belonging?  How can I plug into them regularly?

7. Who might be feeling alone in this struggle who I could reach out to for companionship, support, and connection?

8. How can I slow down (even just a bit) and involve others (even just a couple) in this before I charge forward on my own?

9. Who is and/or will be impacted by this work, and how can I involve them early and often in this process?

10. Who can I ask for help?

You are not behind

Yup, you read that right.

I currently have 162,771 unread emails (and counting).

And before you freak the ef out about this, please don’t.  None of them are from my mortgage company, my clients, my best friends, my mom, or - hopefully - you.

I used to feel like the queen of the world when I got my inbox down to zero.  But as I’ve grown more discerning, I’ve learned that my inbox says more about the systems around me than it does about me and my abilities.

Capitalism looooves to get our attention.  The system feeds off of us being distracted and overwhelmed.  And if we’re not careful, we repeat the frenzied pattern we see in our inbox all around us.

We fire off emails as quickly and thoughtlessly as we receive them.

We make dizzying to-do lists that leave us feeling like we’re constantly behind.

We create project plans and deadlines that are unrealistic and unkind to ourselves and those around us.

We move throughout our days like everything is on fire, but little (to nothing) is important enough to earn our fullest, deepest, slowest attention.

So when I see my unread email count growing and growing, I don’t see failure.  Instead, I see 162,771 times…

• I said no to distraction and urgency 

• I slowed the hell down

• I landed my attention on the things that I’m focused on practicing and growing through my leadership.

So next time you sneak a peek of your inbox, what will you choose to see?  I’d love to hear in the comments below.

In love and leadership,

Jen

Are you battling with change?

You really, really want to change something.  

Maybe in yourself and the way you lead … 

Maybe in your team and the way you partner in the work…

And most definitely in your organization and the way you all impact the world.

This is what leadership’s all about.  You’ve got a vision for something that could be different in the future, and you’re committed to making that dream a reality.

So, you start chipping away at the change. 

And because you’re ambitious, you’ve got a big ass chisel.

And you are hitting it HARD.
But then this weird and wildly frustrating thing happens… 

The more forcefully you hit the rock, willing her to change… 

The stronger and more defiantly she defends her exterior.

It’s as if she turns to you and says, ”oh, hell no I’m not changing…

I like my current shape just fine.”

Enter resistance.  

That pesky comfort-loving, status quo-maintaining force that can make change seem impossible.

Resistance shows up in all systems when we try to change them. 

For individuals, resistance is that part of us that pushes back on our workout goals and says, “Oh no, you don’t need to go to the gym, cutie … Here, have this cupcake instead.”  (though that voice can also be one of self care).  Or that part of you that pops up in moments when you want to stand up and speak out, reminding you of everything that’s at risk and convincing you to stay small and quiet instead.
For organizational systems, resistance can take the most obvious form of people who push back on efforts to change direction … start new initiatives … or end others.  But resistance can also work in much stealthier ways, like in those moments when everyone wants to change, but the organizational system and culture is holding tight to the way things have always been done.

Here’s the hard truth about resistance -- it’s an inevitable, natural part of any change process. 

When resistance shows up, it doesn’t mean you or your change efforts are failing. (It just means you’re showing up and doing the work of change)

Whether or not our desired change will succeed is all about how we respond to resistance.  And after years of navigating change and helping others do the same, let me share what I’ve observed.

If you go into full-out battle mode with resistance, you will lose

If you ignore it and let it go untamed, you will lose

Thankfully, there is a third way to be in relationship with resistance: notice when it shows up, and meet it with as much curiosity and compassion as you can muster.

It’s a bit paradoxical, but when you can meet resistance with a desire to understand it … it loosens its grip.  When resistance - in yourself, others, and systems - feels that it’s been seen and heard … it can allow you to move forward.

As a leader, your job is not to control change.  We cannot coerce ourselves or others into transformation.  

I know this to be true, because when I connect to this control and command approach, I feel my whole body tense up. And a stressed and rigid system (my body, your body, an organizational body) is not a system that will welcome a new shape. 
Alternatively, when I lean into curiosity and acceptance of it all, my body softens and allows for movement, flexibility, and flow.
So next time resistance shows up - within you or your organization - notice that inclination to fight back or control, and instead get curious.  

Here are a set of questions you can use to work with resistance:

1. What does this resistance feel like in my body? Or if I’m faced with resistance from the outside, how does my body respond to that?

2. What does the resistance want? What’s a core fear or desire that sits underneath the resistance? (Although unhelpful, resistant parts usually have a noble cause.  They don’t resist just to be difficult).

3. How can you acknowledge the resistance? What inner or outward conversation might you have to really see, hear, and understand the resistance?

4. What can you appreciate about the resistance? Even though it's causing you and your change effort strife…can you locate even 1% of compassion and/or gratitude for it?  What’s in that?

5. How might you move forward differently now that you understand the resistance? How might you address and reassure the fear or desire that sits underneath the resistance?  What shared goal can you and the resistance both hold as you move forward with change?

Now over to you! How do you work with resistance when it shows up in a change process? Can you relate to the paradox that when you meet resistance with a desire to understand, that allows it to relax, and allows you to move forward?  Let me know your experience in the comments!

Jen xo

Team leaders — this one’s for you.

Leading together with a team of people can be incredibly rewarding, powerful, and … hard as hell.  

If you’ve been leading on a team long enough, no doubt you’ve had your ups and downs and twists and turns.

And all the research shows us that there’s one key ingredient that’s there when things are good and lacking when it’s not …

Trust.

When you and your teammates can really rely on each other … say what’s on your mind … navigate tough situations without damaging your bond?  Sky’s the limit. 

But when you start questioning whether people will stay true to their word, and pull back rather than lean into each other?  The incredibly important work you do suffers.

If trust has gotten a bit wobbly on your team - you are not alone (believe me!), and I got you with today’s blog post.

Inspired by the words of Dr. Brene Brown, “Trust is not built in big sweeping moments.  It’s built in tiny moments every day”… 

Here are 12 super simple and small things you can do to strengthen trust in your work relationships and on your team…

1. Start your next team meeting with a brief check-in.  Invite everyone to share one or two words about how they’re doing, really.  No need to resolve or “fix” the tough stuff that people may bring in with them - just receive it with empathy, support, and non-judgment.

2. Check on each other.  If someone shares that they’re struggling - whether that struggle is professional or personal - reach out and ask if and how you might be able to support them.

3. Slow down when making commitments.  Before you jump to, “sure, I can get that to you by tomorrow!” (🙋🏻‍♀️ ) take a moment to think about a realistic timeframe that isn’t going to stress you out.  Normalize saying, “hey, let me check my workload for the week and let you know when I can get that done.”

4. For those times when you overcommit, or everything on your to-do list takes 5x longer than expected, reach out - ideally before a deadline has passed - to let someone know you’re running behind on the task.  Consider the impact this delay may have on them and address it appropriately (apologize, call to talk it through, etc…) 

5. Schedule a coffee, lunch, or Zoom date with a teammate and DON’T TALK SHOP.  COVID has killed those casual before and after-the-meeting chit-chats that build connection, understanding, and light-heartedness that all teams need.

6. Practice saying “no” or “not now” more.  

“I’m sorry, but my plate is totally full this week, and I don’t have the bandwidth to take that on.  If you could still use some help next week, let me know.  I could turn to it on Tuesday.”

“I really appreciate you thinking of me for this project, and while I would love to work with you on it,  it’s not feasible for me to take on another big commitment right now.  If you want to chat for 5 minutes to brainstorm other people on the team who may be able to help, let me know!

7. Accept no or not now from others on the team.  Period.

8. When people open up and share personal information with you (even of the professional variety), hold their confidence.  Brene Brown refers to this one as “the vault” and it’s a biggie.  It’s hard to bounce back from betrayed confidence.  If you’re wondering if they’d prefer you to keep it between the two of you, check.

9. As my wise colleague Tiffany Quivers says, “take it to the source!”  Gossipping and triangulation kill trust on a team - fast.  If you’ve got an issue with someone or their work, take it directly to them rather than discussing it with another member of the team.

10. Be present and focused in your team meetings and one-one-ones.  Minimize ALL THE THINGS, turn your phone to “do not disturb,” and show people you care by giving them your full attention.

11. If someone on the team does something that shakes your trust in them, give them direct and specific feedback (e.g. “when you moved forward with that project without involving me), tell them how it impacted you (e.g. “it made me feel like you don’t value me and my team’s expertise) and then get curious about how it looked from their perspective (e.g. “what led you to move forward without us?”)

12. Receive feedback from others with openness and kindness.  Even if it hurts initially, take the time you need to process, and circle back to them and acknowledge the risk it took to deliver that feedback.

Now, I’d love to hear from you!  What are the little things you’ve done that have had a big impact on trust in your relationships and on your teams?  Let us know in the comments section below!

Jen xo

Got too much on your plate?

When I was a freshman in college, I lived in perpetual fear of dropping my tray in the dining hall.

Everytime I lifted my spread of wobbling drinks and overloaded plates, I was convinced that would be the time that I’d lose control of it all and become the laughing stock of the entire student body.

While that was more than 20 years ago (and I never did actually drop my tray), that same sinking feeling comes back over me every time I think: 

“I am carrying way too many things, and it’s only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down.” 

(So, daily? 😜 )

Thankfully, I now know that I don’t have to live in a state of constant stress and fear.  Instead, when that feeling of overwhelm comes over me, I pause and ask myself two simple questions…

1. “Can I change what I’m carrying?”

I know I’m not alone when I say that I put WAY more pressure on myself than anyone else.  So, when I take an honest look at my to-do list, there are always a few things I can take off to immediately relieve the pressure valve.  

Next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, try writing down ALL THE THINGS you “have” to do, and then ask yourself…

• What is most important for me to get done this week?

• What can I move to next week (or next, next week)?  Where might I be able to re-negotiate a deadline with someone?

• What can someone else do for me?  And how quickly can I ask them for their help?

• What can I take off my list entirely?  For me, this often looks like an unrealistic fantasy “make a homemade dinosaur cake for my son’s birthday” that I’m happy to replace with a do-less alternative: “buy some cute cupcakes from the store.”

• What’s 1 thing that will only take me a few minutes that I can take off my plate right away?

And sometimes even after you’ve pushed things off and delegated others, it still feels like you have too much to carry.  When I’m having one of those weeks, I ask myself …

2. “Can I change the way I’m carrying it?”

If you’ve still got an overflowing plate, consider asking yourself…

• Can I hold it as important, without taking it (and myself) too seriously?

• Can I hold it in my heart, and not so much in my head?

• Can I hold one part of it at a time, rather than trying to hold (and do) it all at once?

• Can I hold it with confidence and grace, trusting in myself and my abilities?

While these two questions are simple, it takes time and practice to train yourself to slow down … let go … ask for help … and disentangle your self worth from how much you get done in a week (phew!).  

Most of us have been taught to power through and get done more than is humanly possible with the time that we have, so be patient and understanding with yourself as you try a different way.

Now, I’d love to hear from you!  What “aha’s” have you had while reading this post?  What else works for you when you’re carrying too many things?  Share with us in the comment section below.

Jen xo

Can we stop doing this?

Gah, it happened again.

That end-of-year, holiday season frenzy got a hold of me and for the past two weeks I have been running around like a headless chicken, trying to get everything on my to-do list done, while frantically adding new things to it (because, MORE!) … all before the clock strikes twelve on that fateful last day of the year.

Thank god for a loving husband, colleagues, and friends who recognized what was going on, invited me to slow down, take a deep breath, “drink this wine!”, and reminded me that most things don’t actually have to get done before I shut down my work for the year.

(BIG EXHALE)

If you’re still with me, I’m guessing that either - 

A - You received one of those frantic emails from me over the past few weeks (sorry!) and are thinking “ah, that explains it! 

OR

B- The year-end madness has also gotten its claws into you, and you’re grateful for the virtual company.

If it’s B, may I offer us some gentle reminders as we lead ourselves and others through this time of year

• It’s not our fault.  We are all frayed after a hard couple of years. Our nervous systems are not meant to endure prolonged periods of stress and under these conditions, we can be quick to react or launch into control mode.

• Yet as leaders, our energy matters.  It ripples out to those around us, permeates our work, and shapes the cultures we’re constantly co-creating with others.  Leading from a place of urgency means that we will miss opportunities to include, collaborate, and share power with others and prevents us from slowing down to the speed at which real transformational change occurs.

• Doing more ≠ better leadership.  We’re programmed to think that our value at work (or hell, in life!) resides in our to-do list.  When we are getting shit done, we’re winning.  But this mindset is running us ragged, and ragged leadership is not what our world needs right now.

• There is a different way to lead.  While the madness swirls around us and 99% of people keep following the old, broken rules, we can choose to lead in a way that is more natural, collaborative, ease-ful, AND impactful.

Curious to learn how you can lead more like this in 2022? (and maybe thinking it sounds too good to be true…?)

This is where the frenzied me would invite you to sign-up for a free workshop I’m hosting in January: The Nonprofit Leadership Myth: 3 Easy Ways to Accelerate Your Impact, Without Burning Out.  

She’d tell you to Hurry!  Space is limited!  Reserve your spot NOW!!

But none of that is true.  There’s enough space for all of you, and you’ll have a couple of weeks to sign-up in January.  So, I’ll save the invite and deets for then.

Because I’d rather give you one less thing to do this year, and instead take these last few moments of your time to express my heartfelt gratitude. Thank you for being you, for being here in this community, and for the incredible work you lead - inside and out of your organization.

Wishing you and yours a joyful holiday season.

See you on the flip side!

Jen

A Different Kind of Story

Once upon a time, there were six women working to make the world a better place.  

And every day, they showed up to do the work at their organizations - with fire in their belly and commitment in their hearts.

Until one day, when each of them paused, looked within, and discovered that they longed for things to be different ...

I’ve been so absorbed with the work and service to others, that I’ve lost sight of who I am.  I want to rediscover me.

As a relatively new member of our leadership team, I find myself staying quiet out of fear of rocking the boat.  I’d like to find more confidence in my voice, perspective, and role as leader.

I am overwhelmed with responsibility, because I raise my hand too often.  I want to continue contributing my strengths, while sharing more of the load with others.

Sometimes I feel stuck in middle management and am questioning how I can have the greatest impact in the second half of my career.

And instead of navigating these challenges alone, these six leaders (practically all strangers at the time) said yes to doing it together in community.  

So, for the twenty weeks that followed, they came together to...

Learn 

Laugh

Share wisdom

Practice leadership

Declare commitments 

Get vulnerable

Challenge and support the shit out of each other.

(oh, and raise the roof)

And because of that, what began as a disconnected set of personal reckonings transformed into a collective tapestry of leadership, love, and transformation.

And because of that, these leaders will change the world with more perspective, impact, confidence, AND ease.  And they will never be alone in their struggles again.

Inspired by this story? I invite you to get on the waitlist for Illuminate Your Leadership. We kick things off again in February!

No tricks, just some (re)treat magic!

So your team’s thinking about having a retreat, eh?

Maybe you’ve got some big decisions to make, and you don’t seem to be making any progress at your standing meeting...

Maybe it’s been a real long time since you’ve all been together in person, and tensions have been flaring more than usual …  

Maybe you’ve had your heads down and focused on the work so much that you’re losing sight of the big picture…

Whatever the case may be, I know that you want to plan a retreat that’s going to be well worth everyone’s time.  

And, dream with me here for a second … What if it could also be deeply enjoyable?  And, dare I say, even restorative?

Yes, it is possible!  You can hold a team retreat that is wildly productive without harming anyone in the making. 

Just DON’T follow these…

5 Traditional (read: BS) Team Retreat Rules ...

1. Go Big or Go Home

You rarely get dedicated time and space away from “the office” – time to step out of the weeds and into the bigger picture.  So, of course you want to do it all during this precious time.

Strategic planning?  You bet!

Tactical business planning?  Absolutely.

Team-building? Yup, that too.

Can you do all of this in 1-2 days?  Erm, no.

So, take that long retreat wish list of yours (it’s a good place to start!) ... and let’s do some pruning.  Take one of the big topics your team wants to tackle (e.g. strategic planning) and translate it into a concrete outcome you can imagine achieving at your retreat (e.g. a draft of our top 5 strategic goals for next year).  

Once you’ve developed a short list of desired outcomes, make sure you have a reasonable number to work towards with the time you have.

When it comes to retreat goals, less is more!  (Trust me, I speak from many years of creating overly-ambitious retreat agendas)

2. Pack It In!

I’ve attended and (regretfully) planned too many retreats that start with breakfast at 7:30AM, jam as much work (and as few breaks) as possible between 9AM and 5PM, and end with a programmed dinner at the end of the day.  

By the end of day one I’m exhausted and needing to muster up the energy to do it all again in the morning.

My latest team retreat schedule looked more like this …

7:00     Outdoor hike (optional)

8:30     Breakfast

9:15     Work block 1 (with 15 min break)

12:30   Lunch

1:30     Work block 2 (with 15 min break)

4:00     Down time

5:00     Foot soak (optional)

7:30     Dinner (no program)

And contrary to popular, capitalist belief, we achieved way more doing things this way.  Our work blocks were focused, energized, and productive as hell, and our non-work blocks left us feeling refreshed, connected, and supported.

3. A Meeting of the Minds 

I see a lot of team retreats follow the same format we use in standard work meetings – lots of thinking and talking.  I call these “neck-up” retreats.  And yes, you’ll need that smart noggin of yours to dream and plan for the future, but please don’t dismiss all the wisdom, energy, and power you and your colleagues carry from the neck down.

If you’re ready to bring your retreat to the next level, you’ll want to engage the whole body.

Instead of brainstorming (neck-up), can you invite people to draw a picture or source a metaphor that captures their visions and ideas (whole body)?

After sharing thoughts about next year’s priorities (neck-up), can you have everyone tune into their energy and feel which options feel most resonant and alive (whole body)?

Take dance breaks! (whole body)

Write stories! (whole body)

Ready poetry! (whole body)

Get quiet and listen to your intuition (whole body!)

 You’ll be amazed at how much more becomes possible.

4. MUST STAY CONNECTED (said in robot voice)

At our last team retreat, I must have felt the temptation to check my email no fewer than 5,674 times over 48 hours.  

One little peek won’t hurt, right?  

Thankfully experience has taught me otherwise, and I gently reminded myself (over and over again) … 

This is my time to be present.  

Email will cloud my vision and focus.

If it’s important enough, they’ll call.

If you have the ability to step away from email for the length of your retreat, I highly recommend it.  Your dreams will become bigger without the worry of the day-to-day.  Your stress levels will continue to decrease, rather than jumping back up when you take a look at your inbox.

And if you or members of your team don’t have the luxury to unplug, see if you can create time-bound email blocks when people can check in.  And support everyone to transition back into retreat mode with some music, movement, or intention setting.

5. More, More, More

When you and your team are in the zone, you’re going to dream up all sorts of possibilities for your work and mission.  And I’m not here to rain on that parade.  Please, weave together beautiful visions ... push the edge of what’s possible … say YES to new, innovative ideas and programs.

And once you’ve got those dreams out on paper and in your cells, make sure you have time to get realistic with it.

Out of everything you’ve explored, what’s the most important work for you to do next year?

What’s possible with the resources you have (or the resources you have plans to grow)?

And - maybe the toughest question to wrestle down - what will we say no to?

What will we stop doing to make way for something new?

Now, over to you, dear leader!   What retreat rules have served you well and which are you ready to break?  I’d love to hear in the comments below!

May we all retreat in ways that are wildly productive and deeply fulfilling.

Love Letter

Dear leader,

When you shut your computer after a busy day, I hope you know that your work today mattered.

May you trust that the “small” things add up and know that yes, indeed, you are making an impact.

When internalized capitalism urges you to fill each waking moment with productivity, may you remember that you are much more valuable than your to-do list.

May you take rest whenever you need it and see that breaks and spaciousness are essential ingredients to your success.

When autumn’s crisp air touches your skin, may it remind you to slow down … reap what you’ve sowed ... and nourish yourself before planting seeds for next year’s harvest.

May you find ways to bring nature’s rhythm into your work – even if the people and systems around you seem to be in eternal spring and summer (because you know that’s not sustainable).

When it feels like change is impossible, may you stay both patient and committed, conspiring with the process as it unfolds mysteriously before you.

May you resist that urge to beat yourself up for not doing/being/achieving more, and may your breath remind you that you are full … whole … enough – just as you are.

When you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, may you remember that you are not alone.

May you truly believe that asking for support is a sign of strength – not weakness – and allow those around you to lend a helping hand (they will be honored).

With love,

Jen

PS – If this message speaks to you, I invite you to join the waitlist for Illuminate Your Leadership, my group coaching program for ambitious nonprofit leaders who want to create more impact with less stress and more support (we’ll kick-off our next cohort in February or March 2022)

8 Ground Rules to Invite Healthy Conflict on Your Team

If you know me well, you know that my husband is a Republican.

When I first reveal this fact to folx who share my liberal leaning, their response usually falls somewhere between curious wonder ("how the heck does that work?") and horrified disbelief ("and you knew that going in??)

Perhaps you notice a similar reaction forming in yourself? If so, that's ok -- we are so wired to view disagreements as a bad thing...as barriers to partnership and progress.

Does seeing things eye-to-eye with someone make working together easier? Sure. But do we want to limit our life and our work to partnerships that rely on same-ness? Not I, and I'm guessing that's not your MO either.

If you’re committed to working across differences … bringing together diverse perspectives … building collaborative solutions with others…

You have to develop the skill of working through conflict.  Bottom line.

Conflict is inevitable.  And contrary to popular belief, it’s not inherently a bad thing.  In fact, conflict can often bring growth and transformation to relationships and work.

Because so many of us have negative associations with conflict, we have to create a container for it to happen productively.  This is true in any relationship, and especially on a team or in an organization, where you’re bringing together a diversity of views and conflict styles.

The shape and structure of this container comes from Conflict Ground Rules or Agreements.  These are a list of norms that partners or groups use to guide how they engage with conflict.

Here are some of the agreements my husband and I use to keep healthy conflict flowing in our relationship.  I’ve found they work just as well in an organizational setting:

1. We respect each other’s perspectives and recognize that they’ve been formed by our unique childhoods and lived experiences

2. We listen to each other with curiosity and openness, trying our best to suspend judgment while the other is talking

3. We ask questions to further our understanding  - not to cement our critical judgment of the other (less “why/how could you possibly think that?” and more “hm, what does that mean to/for you?”)

4. We acknowledge that we’re human and that heated moments will happen.  We also recognize that these moments are unlikely to bring us closer to each other or to a solution, so when one of us calls it, we take a break

5. After heated exchanges, we circle back to make amends for any harm done and reengage in a productive conversation when we’ve regained the capacity to listen

6. When we’re working to shape a decision together, we start with our shared interests and stay flexible on how we might get there

7. Once we reach an agreement, we support it together.  No “well you know I never really wanted that” down the road

8. We often reflect on our disagreements and share how we learned and grew as a result of them – to reaffirm that good can come from conflict

Crafting Conflict Ground Rules for your team or organization will be a game-changer for how you work through hard things together.

What are some of the norms you use (or could use) to navigate conflict on your team? Leave your thoughts in the comments, so we can all learn from each other.

If you want to work on your conflict engagement skills in a community with personalized support and practical leadership training, then you want to get on the waitlist for our group coaching program that launches in July.  We’ll let you know as soon as the doors are open to apply!

The Problem with Perfect

“You’re holding too high of standards for your team.”

 WTF does that mean, the 20-something, A-student, new manager version of me thought (and nearly said) in response to my boss at the time.  I was proud of my high standards and was not about to let them go to be well-liked by my colleagues. The work was too important.

15 years, and a lot has changed.  I can now see the destructive impact that my perfectionist tendencies have on myself and others:

• Perfectionism allows little room for failure and stifles experimentation and innovation

• Perfectionism creates a performative culture, where not knowing or needing help is seen as weak

• Perfectionism prevents us from sharing power and leadership with others

• Perfectionism leads to time spent on frivolous details at the expense of real progress

Perfectionism is not a commitment to high standards – it is a trap that leads to reduced performance and unhealthy culture.  And it is a hallmark feature of White Supremacy Culture that needs to be dismantled in all of us who are committed to anti-racist leadership.

If perfectionism is a theme you’re consistently working with in your leadership, you want to get on the waitlist for our Group Coaching Program that launches this summer!

“Unlearning perfectionism is at the heart of anti-racist leadership.”

But if you’re a recovering perfectionist like me, you know it’s not as easy as just “letting it go.”  Here’s what I do instead…

Find focus

Where does perfectionism have her claws in your right now?  Where do you notice yourself trying to get it just right or meet exceptionally high standards?  Or perhaps you’re holding perfectionism over someone else by micro-managing their work, judging their mistakes, or constantly declaring with exasperation, “ugh, I’ll just do it myself!”  Land on one area of work or one relationship that you will target with your anti-perfectionism practice.  Got it?  OK, let’s go!

See her in action

As you’re engaging in your target work or relationship, watch as your perfectionist tendency kicks in.  Get curious – what’s it like?  For me, perfectionism is like an endless loop.  Re-do, re-write, re-rehearse, re-think – all the “re”s – until it’s just perfect!  For you it might be more like a stage performance, a tight rope walk, or a grasping for control.  Next time your perfectionism takes over, find a description or metaphor that captures how she operates in you and your leadership.

Practice a new move

Next time you see your perfectionism in action (caught ya!), see if you can make a new move …

• Instead of polishing the sentence (again), can you just let it be?

• Instead of re-rehearsing your presentation, can you tell yourself you’re ready (and really trust that)?

• Instead of asking to see their work, can you have them take it across the finish line themselves?

• Instead of focusing on any minor imperfections in the work you or others did, can you appreciate what went well (and what it took to get there)?

What new move will you make?

Repeat

Unlearning perfectionism takes repeated and consistent practice.  With each repetition, you are creating a new groove in your inner-wiring, and over time you’ll build a new habit that leads to more trust, learning, and better performance in your organization.

If you’d like to join a community of rising nonprofit leaders who are committed to working in ways that create impact and build trust and power with others, join the waitlist for our Group Coaching Program that launches this summer! – you’ll be the first to hear more about the program and will get special bonuses not offered to the public.

Speaking Up

As a leader, one of our most powerful tools is our voice.  Speaking up about the things we care about is critical to shaping change and developing authentic relationships with others.

And it can feel vulnerable as hell. 

I have yet to know a leader who’s said, “Ah yes, I have found my voice and can now speak with unwavering confidence. My work here is done!”

Because there’s always a new edge we’re working –

That topic we haven’t spoken up about before

That table we haven’t had a seat at before (or maybe still don’t, but are presenting to)

That complex issue we’re still processing but want to say something about

So, what’s that edge for you?  What’s that situation or topic that makes your voice shake?  Or that space where you think, I have more to say here about the decisions we’re making together.  Think about it for a minute….

Got yours?  Does it make you sweat a bit just thinking about it?  Yup, that’s the one. 

Now here are a few things you can do to strengthen your voice…

1 – Practice every day

Our voice works like every other muscle in our body – use it regularly and it gets stronger, let it rest, and it will atrophy.  And if you try to go straight for a vocal marathon, you’re going to be in a lot of pain.  How can you take your big goal and break it down into do-able daily practices?

• If your edge is about a new topic, can you find a way to express your views on it daily?  Maybe you start by writing and gradually work to speaking your words aloud to others

• If your edge is about a new table, can you start by speaking with other members of the group in smaller settings?  Or maybe there’s something you love talking about, and you start by speaking up about that.

2 – Examine your beliefs

What conscious and unconscious beliefs may be holding you back from speaking up more?  A lot of these beliefs go way back to our family of origin.  Imagine your childhood dinner table.  What messages did you receive about how to use (and not use) your voice?  About what it was OK and not OK to say?  And what broader societal messages were layered on top of this?  What does our country and world tell you about how you and your social identities should speak?

Some that I hear often from my clients are …

I’m not the kind of person that takes up space or rocks the boat

When I speak up, I risk being judged by others

It’s only safe for me to speak up when I know how others will react

I have to feel confident before I speak up

What’s yours?

And what’s a new belief that is more supportive of the relationship you want to have with your voice?  Maybe it doesn’t feel 100% true for you yet, but there’s a part of it you can lean into.  Some to consider…

I’m the kind of person that speaks up on behalf of the things that are most important to me

If my voice shakes, it shows others that I’m human and I care

I have what I need to handle people’s reactions – whatever they may be

If I don’t speak up as effectively as I wanted to the first time, I can always speak again

What are you landing on?

3 – Get your body on board

What shapes do you notice your body take when you’re stopping your voice from being expressed?  Maybe your jaw clenches tight and your breathe gets shallow?  Or perhaps it’s more like you’re hiding or shrinking – like a little turtle retreating into her shell.  If you recall the last time you wanted to speak up and didn’t, what do you notice happened to your physical being?

And what’s a form that your body could take that would feel more supportive of expression? Perhaps you let your spine get straight and your head grow tall, so there’s a nice open passageway for your words.  Maybe you loosen your jaw, relax your shoulders, and take several long, full breathes.  Or perhaps you feel your feet firmly planted on the ground, connecting to the support of the earth beneath you.

What embodiment will work for you?

Now, over to you, dear leader.  What steps will you take to get your voice out there more?   I’d love to hear what specifics steps you’ll be implementing, so that I can cheer you on!